I would give anything for my lover to be happy.  I wanted to be happy too.  I'm not sure where it is that I lost myself again, along the way....I can probably trace it back in writing, these days, at least....

Still....I don't remember why.  I don't remember much of anything....I suppose that's not unusual for me....It's how I've always dealt with my feelings.  Of course, it's not a good thing to do, but it's all my feelings have known.....I can't deal with things, or the feelings that arise from them.....So I try to forget, and forget about the bad feelings....

Like the car lights shimmering across the ceiling at night in our miserable second-story apartment on those sleepless nights, it's hard to remember or think much about anything....

I suppose that it happened when that server died......That we were playing a game together on.   I suppose that this blog entry will be a rant, me venting a lot........Anyways.....It had always been dying, at heart, it seems.   It was never quite what we wanted.  The people, especially, seemed a constant reminder of peoples' general idiocy, shallowness, cruelty, hatefulness, just all of the depressing qualities of modern humankind....  

It never actually died, but, I think we realized that with such a culmination of society's incompetence and hatefulness, that we needed to move on.   That such a place would never be our sanctuary, a place for us to be together together and have a nice thing to play with and a place to escape with each other too....So I started our server.  

It was a good idea, great even, to have a project that we could both be creative  with and work with each other on, and finally be alone....It would be the project we were looking for.

It was depressing, really.   It took literal straight weeks of constant work to get anything done at all.   To do this simple bit of work, was made horrifyingly impossible by, again, the idiocy of the general populace....   To go out on the internet, and try to find anything helpful, useful, or any kind of help or for anyone to lend an ear or look for any kind of meaningful thought....The internet has been getting worse these days.  Rather than becoming an extension of information, thought, and data, instead society has extended into the internet, the regression of shallowness, hatefulness, and general harmfulness permeating almost every community...

Still....I pressed on, and eventually got it working.   At this point though....I don't even know if it's worth it.   If we'll really get what we want out of it.   Something is always broken, always impeding us, and it's impossible to get help to fix....Something is always impossible, always limiting us....It's as if I'm being crushed by life itself.

...It's extremely stressful, feeling powerless, alone, wrestling with something broken constantly and just hoping to god that it will work....That some things will be broken forever just because of idiots out there, that such a good idea can be so easily ruined.....Even now I feel chest pain and my consciousness almost cramping.....

..I just wanted me and my lover to have something nice to do with each other.  Something easy.  Something creative and filled with love.  We've worked on the server, a little bit, sure....Progress has been slow but sure.  We've had some fun playing with things.  

I'm not sure if we're still gonna go through with it.  I've tried taking some breaks.  Talking to people.   Watching some sailor moon, which is definitely gonna be my favorite anime, being hilarious and filled with thought-provoking undercurrents, especially about real romance, which you never really learn about from things.  

I can't find any way to relax.  Or handle anything.  We're running out of food lately.   I would give anything for a decent meal, just to remember that life can feel good again.   I feel numb.  I try to take the time to think, I only feel like the world is closing in around me.  Taelle makes me feel good sometimes, but I don't feel like I can bear the complicated mess of emotions anymore.

I feel horrible.  I feel utterly ill.   I feel constant pains in random areas, cramped muscles and sleeping limbs......A fever.....I can't feel my face anymore....What I wouldn't give to feel something nice on my face again....I always feel starving.....And sick.....My hands are always shaking.....I have trouble breathing....And my chest hurts....I even have trouble just focusing my eyes to see, these days...

I constantly fear for what the future brings....I'm always running away.....I feel like all that is wrong with the world has crashed upon me like a wave, and swept me away.   I find myself wanting to sleep my days away, to just lay and be content to starve myself to death so that the pain will stop....

I know I have once lived as an angel...I know this because of the constant pain I feel, this searing wound in my very soul, and I mourn society's loss of humanity....I feel that the world has become an abomination, that they have forgotten god's love.....That people have resigned themselves to a fate much worse than any evil could ever set forth.....

I'm not a religious man.....I believe in the god of love...That god is love, that the beauty in life and the soul is love......That every soul is a spark of divine love, and that god loves you and treats you equally no matter what you do.....

I just want the pain to end.....For everyone.....Nobody should be doing this, and nobody deserves this.....Nobody should even have to deal with this....There is no excuse, for people not loving each other, or for people hating each other and living in such hate....

I know that's part of why I'm here again....With my lover....Out of spiritual retirement.....But how am I to spread love, to show everyone love and help them remember, if I can't even show myself love......If I only find myself forgetting and not being able to bear my emotions or the pain.....

Taelle......My lover....I'm sorry.....I feel profoundly worse than any words like "guilt" or "regret"......I feel that I can't bear anything......That I can't stand any more pain or the things that keep happening to bring about more pain.....That I live in fear every day, that things are just going to bring more pain.....

I'm sorry.....Even when I try to share things with you, and when I do, I still feel like I can't bear my end of it.....That I can't stand my own side of the feelings and the pain.....I just feel so tired....Of all the pain.....I just want it to end.....

I just want to go back home.....I wonder if any place down here can even feel like home.....If we can have a place to ourselves that feels like it's not at war........That hate isn't at war with love and that we can just accept love and live in it.....

I love you...More than anything.....I just can't bear my feelings, or any of the pain, anymore.....I don't know how I can bear sharing anything with you.....I'm trying to but I don't even know how to begin to......

All I can do is write you my feelings, I guess....I'm sorry if my venting has come across as raw or hopeless......or if my feelings are too much for you....I still have hope.....I just don't know how to even share things....Or handle my emotions at all.......All I can do is write......

I love you more than anything......I still feel happy, with your love, sometimes...It's still more than I used to......I just feel like I've lost hope in life itself.....That even things that felt good about life are starting to lose their meaning.......That nice feelings, the things that god put down here on earth for us to enjoy and feel god's love, feel out of my reach...

...I feel alone too.......I'm sorry......I wish I could have given you something as permanent, as well........All I can try to do is love you forever and always......I only have so much energy to give,  I guess I should try and give it directly to you now instead of messing with these things......We can still have things, I just need a break from life.....

I love you....With all of my soul....And everything I have to give....I always have......I want to make you happy.....So that waiting won't be a bad thing anymore......

I'm sorry.....For not being there for you....I just need to forget life....And to forget the pain.....No more hate, or sadness.....But I want to be with you all I can......To always have and feel our love.....To know that someday we'll be able to forget this pain and fear, and live in our pure love.....

So....I can't do anything else......I'm just in too much pain......and I need you to be okay, before I can live at all.......All I can do is lay and dream of a better place....Please lay with me....Just lay down together with me....And we'll be in each other's arms....I'll help you forget your pain......And I'll love you.....And we'll feel love again.....

We'll have a better life than this.....We'll live in each other's love again.....I know in my heart, that god intended for there to be more to life, than this.....That it will be better...

...I will try to write my feelings in my blog every day.....Because when I'm not writing in my journal, my feelings are just screwing up......Held in and piling up....It's obvious just looking back at all the big gaps in this journal....That even going a week without writing in it is very unhealthy, for me....

And so....I love you....I'm sorry that I'm not well enough to express myself in any other way, right now....And for not commenting on your blog, because I can't think well enough to....I'm going to leave this entry with the writings on my wall, in order from oldest to newest.

Don't Forget. Think Instead.
Remember what it feels like to be happy. Fight for it.
Share Everything.  Any problem or emotion can be dealt with together.

And so that's end of this day......And the beginning of a new day....Because while we're still alive, it's always a new day.....If I had a new one to add to my wall, it would be something like "Live in love, forget the pain of this life"......

To our new and happy lives,
Your Eternal Flame of Love,
Dethy~

This is in response to Taelle's blog entry on Saturday, October 11, 2008 so says the system clock.  THIS is her blog link, in case it's seizuring.


...


Well, you don't have any errors or anything you worry about....You've always come across as well as anyone can.  If someone wants to put their own dumbass in between their brain and what you're trying to say, it's their fault, not yours.  

You are always profound and intellegent, because you are always thinking and learning, unlike the vast majority of the world.   

I'm glad that you're having nice dreams, and I found what you said about changing something in your story world up very interesting, I can't wait to find out what it is for myself.  

I'm sure that your dreams are there for a reason and to help inspire you and give you something to think about, no matter how strange.

I'm glad you're learning to be yourself better as well, I have been spending a  lot of time being introspective about very many things lately...

My characters are a good start because they are after all part of myself, and to learn why they are the way they are, will put me that much closer to finding myself, and to look forward to what I want and like, rather than just what I need.

And yes, games and roleplaying are definitely fun with you, I'm sure that we will have a lot more fun relaxing.

As for the survey, you should do it for yourself, not for me or for us...Do it so you can express yourself and your love, your feelings and so you can think about things.  I don't want you to worry about me or what I'll think of it, the best way for me to love it is if you put yourself into it.  If you just be yourself, enjoy it, instead of worrying about what I want to hear or who I want you to be...  I'll love to have that part of you and your work, to have that piece of your love, and that's why I will love it.  

And don't feel bad unaccomplished, even if you don't get everything you want done to get done....Just feel accomplished that you're working on it, that you're doing the best you can and that we're getting so much done, because we are...We have a lot to do, but we know what it is.  At least since we know what it is we have to do, we know nothing else will sneak up on us right?  Lol at least we know what we're doing and getting it done, and there's nothing to worry about after.  

I love you more than anything, just give me yourself and I'll enjoy that no matter what or how.

At least that's about right for the consistency....  So I've been wading through lately.  I get some things done.  The lack of recent journal entries is well, because I've been rather slow.  If the frequency of my old blog entries are any indication, though, at least I'm not as slow as I have been.

I know that I have to think, to get anything done.  I've learned that lately, at least, and it's very important.  Oftentimes I just want to forget about things, problems, feelings, anything, to try and feel better.  Well, it never works.  Even forgetting very small things keeps me from seeing the world with any amount of clarity.  The only way to solve any problem, or come to terms with and get a grip on any feeling or emotion, or come to terms with anything period, is to think it through.  

So it's been slow for me.  Mostly because I'm very tired.  I haven't slept very well all week.  It's hard to think when you're tired, so I think that this has been frustrating in what I'm trying to carry out.  I try not to feel bad about it because that just starts the cycle again.  

So things have been okay.  I finished some character work, some really good stuff that I think will really do it for me when I need to think about my characters and how they tick, so that I know myself better as well, them being part of me.  I didn't get as much done as I wanted to, but it's only because I'm tired.

I'm just trying to find myself really.  I can't be there for anyone if not myself.   Or care for anyone if I can't care for myself and what I want, like I've said before.  

Talking is easier now.  It's easy to figure out that most problems are just people needing something and not getting it.  And then it gets more convoluted because of society, and people no longer care about what they need, or feel that they deserve they need it, or some deny their needs altogether.  People spending their lives trying to do what others want, because they feel that's the only way others will care about them or love them, and that that's the only way they'll be worth anything because they have no self-worth outside of "accomplishments" for others.

I don't so much hate myself anymore.  I get mired in my feelings once in a while, but I think it's only because I'm tired and can't think my way out of it.  Just my old defunct habits of trying to forget my problems.

I was stressing about having to deal with things again, and other people, but I'm starting, more recently, to come to terms with what we can realistically do and expect from things.  Nothing is hopeless, and there is always room for good improvement, in any situation.  

So as always, we can only do for others, what they will let us.  It will grow in the age to come, of course, to be something we'd never dreamed.  Remember that there are always people out there, caring people, as hard as they are to find, and that they will not go away.  

So...I don't know.  I feel like I'm forgetting something, but I also feel pretty cold and dizzy.  And I need to eat.  And I just want rest.  So I'm gonna go do that.  

Not here, mind you.  If I'm not sitting here writing or doing something thought-provoking or creativity-related, I'm probably just wasting time trying to forget things again.  These days I'll have to spend being introspective....And extrospective, when it helps.  Just to think about and reflect on everything.

So that's all I can think of.  Right now anyways.  I'm sure more will come.

Don't forget.
Think instead.

Things have been quite different lately.  It's a good thing, really, change is good, compared to the ordeal the past year has been.  I've been searching for myself.  Trying to figure out who I really am, how to care about myself, how to be there for myself, and how to really love myself.

Of course this is for my relationship with my twin flame, for how else can you care for another person unless you care about yourself, or even what you want.  But that's not even half of the reason.  We need and deserve a relationship where we can spend the time genuinely loving and caring for each other, not letting guilt, self-hatred, worrying, hopelessness, or any negative emotions hindering us from being the lovers I know we can be.  But more than just for the good of my lover, or our relationship, it is just as much for me, because I deserve it and need it.

So that comes to what the fall has been.  I really have it figured out, and I figured out that I hate myself.  That I really hate myself, enough to do anything completely counter-intuitive to what I want and need, and then feel bad about it and everything else.   I can't care for anyone if I don't care about myself, or even what I want or need, and it just hijacks my life, as I'm sure it does my relationship with my twin flame.  I have been coming to terms with this problem though.

I am starting to get over it.  It has been painfully slow for the both of us, and I worry sometimes that it has been too slow.  But I have a conviction to Taelle, and to myself, now, that I will never, ever give up, in the face of anything.  I love you more than anything, Taelle, and I know in my heart too, that you will never give up on me, that our love is that deep, not because I have an expectation of the type of person you are, but because we both share that common need to share our true love, above all else.

Essentially, these past few days, we have been going under something of a trial separation.  Like anyone who truly loves each other doing this sort of thing, it is for the better.  Our time together has to be genuine and full of true love, not the stupid endeavor of being mired in guilt, worry, and horrible self-esteem that it had been.  Our time alone, is to work on ourselves.  To stop hating ourselves, to care for ourselves, and really work on our feelings to feel deserving, and to have space to get a grip on our emotions.

So yes, it has been really rough.  On the both of us.  I know me and my lover need each other.  We need to really be there for each other, and really genuinely love each other, in our time together.  We need to be able to talk to each other, too, although sometimes it feels like we hit something of an end.  We just need each other.  We're not always capable of meeting that need. Things get in the way, emotions, feelings, stress, habits, self-esteem, the simple need for progress in the face of hopelessness.
 
Sometimes there's not really any words anymore, when we hit a certain point that words can no longer fix.  It is hard on the both of us, because we need to communicate and be verbally open with each other, to share everything, and have that desire to work things through and help each other.  But this is not necessarily a bad thing.  It is not something wrong with the relationship, or something to lose hope or self-esteem about.  It is simply reaching the end of how to solve a problem.  The last step.  All that can be said at this point is how much we love each other, and to reassure each other.  I know what the problem is, and I know what I must do.  To pour my love, energy, reason, prayers, the entirety of my being into it.  To work on it. 

And so I have been, the best that I can.  I feel myself slowly overcoming my self-hatred.  It has been extremely hard.  Especially the times that Taelle needs me, if I am not in a state that I can get over my self-hatred and emotions well enough to be helping anything without hurting something more.  It is absolutely above all else nobody's fault, I am simply not capable, not yet ready.  I know that Taelle feels alone when I cannot be her lover when she needs me most.  I want her to know that I still love her, and I am trying harder than ever, to never lose hope because it will happen, and that she is never alone, that I will always be there for her absolutely all that I can.  When I can truly be with her and give her the love and caring that she more than deserves,  without letting my or self-hatred or worrying or guilt get in the way, to really be the lover that I now know I can be. 

And so I know, Taelle, that you are feeling grim because none of your needs are being met.  Never feel bad or guilty for having needs, because you deserve anything you could possibly ever want or need.   That it is not the need itself causing pain, but the lack of it being met. 

Remember the good times we have and have had, especially lately, and know that the bad times will never be in vain again.  Never give up on your dreams, and I will be there for you very soon now.  That when times are bad, you can look back on this blog, and be reassured that good times will come again, that things are getting better. 

Henceforth I will be keeping my DAILY journal on this blog.  I have nothing to hide.  Let this be your beacon of hope in lonely and hopeless times, to know that this too shall pass, and that there are much better times ahead of us.

And so it is.
With love.  Your Dethy.

Knowledge that matters?  Well that's right.  The kind of stuff you don't learn in school, the things that will really matter in your life, the kind of knowledge that actually makes the world a better place.  I do have kind of a lot to say this time, although I hope you listen and learn something.  I'm going to try and keep this as coherent as possible, by tying my topics into each other.



LOVE
First off and most important, everyone needs love.  Everyone deserves love as well, and people always strive to do things that will make people love them.  Partly this is because unconditional love is horrifyingly rare, and people don't love themselves as a result, feeling the need to do these things to fulfill themselves or others.  Also this is because people are basically good and want to love each other and themselves.  As a person who had just about become "evil", I can truly say that people are basically always doing what they think is best.  Best for themselves, best for others, people are always doing the best they know how.   Even if it is in a counter-intuitive warped way.  

It's about time people started learning new ways to love each other.  People are happy when they love themselves.  Leading from that, loving others helps you to love yourself, therefore being happy.  Love and the need for love is the driving source and power of every habit, behavior, and possibly thought of every living soul.  People, especially family, should all love each other unconditionally.  That means no more being judgemental of others.  People should listen to each other, and be understanding, empathetic, and do their best to care for each other.  



LISTENING
That brings me to my next thing, which I said I would have an entry about a while back.  It's listening.  Listening is very possibly the best way to show caring towards another person.  If anyone learns anything from this, I hope it's how to listen, so you can properly love someone.  I'm going to make this as complete as I can.  This could be seen more as a way to prevent mistakes of communication, rather than a step-by-step guide to communicating.  

1. Be objective.  Clear your expectations and opinions away before you interpret any information.  Otherwise you will judge the person by your standards, and skew your judgement and outcome.  Every single person has gone through different experiences and learned from them differently and in different ways.  No one person is better or worse than another.  Everyone has been through hardships and can learn from anybody else.  Every single problem is unique because of the context in a person's whole life.  Never assume you know more about the problem than the other person until you truly understand and empathize with the problem in it's entirety.  Never, ever, try to force your standards or opinions upon another person.  Both are selfish, disrespectful, and rude.

2. Take in information.  Think about what the situation is.  Make sure to keep being objective. What things the other person is going through, and implications of them.  Try to figure out and agree with the other person, what is causing the problem, what the source is.  Know the circumstances surrounding the things that anyone does.  People do things for a reason.  Make sure you accurately gauge the problem and it's importance to the person, and why.  Never decide why something is important to someone else.  That will make you act like an asshole.

3. Focus.  Let the other person say what they would like to say.  Interrupting is also extremely rude and disrespectful, and shows that you aren't listening or caring about the other person.  You can't even listen to the other person if you are just busy thinking about what you are going to say next.  At that point you would no longer be a listening, understanding, or caring person.

4. Wait.  Hold in your reactions and thoughts on the matter until you are absolutely sure you understand and empathize all of the things going on.  It's much like being a good doctor.  Don't prescribe solutions until you understand the problem.  Otherwise you risk preaching or giving out bad solutions, much like a bad doctor.  Doing that to loved ones is something people should be especially careful of.  

5. Empathize.  Know how the other person feels about this.  And respect their feelings.  Try to understand why they feel this way, how and why they came to where they are now, and what they are doing now.  It's not enough to just know what's going on.  Understand what the issue makes them feel, and come to an agreement on why.  Don't try to compare their feelings with your own, because you are not having the same experiences as them.  That will make you be insensitive towards them.  Make sure that their feelings are your absolute top priority.  This is the way to being caring.

6. Understand.  The best way to do this is by asking questions, to make sure you are absolutely clear on everything.  If you can understand the other person, and feel the same way they do, and understand why they feel the way they do, then you really know what the problem is.  You don't really know what the problem is, if you can't even agree what the other person's feelings are, and what the circumstances are that are causing and surrounding it are.  Confirm with the other person that you are understanding the same problem.  Make sure everything makes sense to the both of you.

7. Purpose.  Understand why the person is trying to communicate this with you.  They may just be venting, or it could be something they need your help to change.  Try to understand what the person wants from you and this discussion.  Do your best to help in the way that the person needs and wants from you.  What the other person wants is extremely important.  Not respecting this will doom you to failing to ever solve the problem, and will probably make things worse.

8. Support.  Let the person know that you support them and love them wholeheartedly.  Make sure they feel like you are listening throughout the conversation.  A good way to do this is by asking questions, or by giving small feedback (just to show you understand, not what you think, remember #3 and #4), as in just showing them that you're paying attention.  Be reassuring to show that you care about this person.  People need assurance and love from others.  If you think you have anything to say that could genuinely help them feel better about solving the problem, it would be a great thing to offer up.  The point of this is to help the person feel more able to solve or come to terms with the problem.



TRYING
I believe it was Yoda who said, "Do or do not.  There is no try."  Of course, this was said on a planet made entirely of swamps, where he lived as the only person on the entire planet, living in hiding after a little oversight of his probably got every single jedi in existence killed.  I could go on about how the whole star wars tragedy could have been prevented with minimal communication skills, but it's fiction anyways, and I hate to leave out anyone who isn't star wars savvy.  

I don't see many genuine quotes.  Perhaps "A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought." would be best left.  If you absolutely have to have one, it should be "Always try."  Always try.  It's all anyone can do, and all anyone ever does is try their best.  Never doubt yourself or let fear get in the way of trying, ever.  If you try and fail, it doesn't mean you didn't do anything, like many people take the whole Yoda thing.  

It's important to listen to yourself.  Ignoring yourself, basically amounting to denial, will only every make everything worse, and will never stop until you stop doing it.  Only this way will you find your own problems, to be able to solve them.  Think about your problems, and your feelings, and try to solve them much the same way you listen to another's problem.  Always ask yourself why, why something is happening to you, why you feel the way you do, why you came to the way that you feel, only by such questioning can you really solve the mysteries of your heart and find the source of your problems.  Then you must try the hardest that you can.

If you've failed and tried, you've accomplished a thousand times more than you ever could have by not trying.  Learn from your mistake and move on, don't feel bad for it, know that you did your best at the time, don't feel bad for your best not being good enough, just pick up the experience and get on with your life, try again so you can do what you want to get done, and know that your best will be ever better than if you stop now.   Then you'll really have tried, and done everything you could.  More importantly you'll get the things you want done in your life.  And you'll be happy, being able to really make peace with your failures, and to do the things that make you and others happy.  Because like I said before, you deserve to be happy, and to be loved, no matter what happens or what anyone or anything tells you, including the part of you that reflects these outside things.



KNOWLEDGE
So what knowledge matters?  Like I said before, I believe it's the things that make the world a better place, that make people happier.  That make life better.  Realizing problems and working to solve them.  Contemporarily this is called wisdom, although there is much confusion over what wisdom and knowledge and intellegence all actually amount to.  

What knowledge is valued as these days, quite honestly, disgusts me.  History has become a sham in particular.  No longer do we value the lessons of the past, to learn from the mistakes of the ancients to avoid being doomed to repeat them.  History has become a collection of dates and the ceremonial festival of the supposed triumph of the perfection humankind.  We know of some things that have happened in history.  Never do we stop to think and figure out why they happened, what went wrong where, and how to prevent further tragedy.  Because that's what human history has become comprised of.  The parade of humanity's supposed triumphs of the problems they themselves caused.



SOCIETY
School has become a factory in which trivial knowledge, meaningless work, and cultural divides are conditioned into young america, through simple rewards and punishments.  Very many people in the world today work in this way, slaving away, destroying themselves, because they want to be accepted, because they want people to love them and praise them.  Otherwise you are punished, outcast from the family, shamed, hated, and ignored.  This continues throughout life, the free products of your being conditioned into working at an unfulfilling and completely self-sacrificing job being considered the fruition of society.  The supposed progress of the happiness of mankind.

This has to stop.  Slavery for love and acceptance, to me, is unacceptable.  People need to start caring about each other, regardless of beliefs or deed.  Love is the only way to solve any problems.  It is my strongest belief that any problem can be solved with love.  This is what love conquers all should really amount to.  It's about time people started acting on it.



WISDOM
So what is wisdom exactly?  Wisdom is what you learn from life.  Life's experience.  Your maturity.  Being older does not lend to wisdom, life experience, or maturity, if you do not take the time to learn from the things happening in your life.  To try and understand and learn from the things in your life.  Many people do not, and can go their entire lives doing such.  Learning from problems is one of the main things people lack.

Here in america, it is dismally rare for people to learn about what is happening around them.   To search out information themselves, read the news from different sources, to make problems known and to hear them out in general.   Many americans will never know what problems are surrounding them, affecting them, and what the source of any of them are.  It inevitably leads to us not being able to solve any of our problems.  Many countries look down on america for our ignorance of the world and our magical thinking.  Ignoring and rationalizing and justifying problems that should not even exist, rather than letting them be known as they should be.  People feeling bad and being self-conscious about having problems, rather than presenting them to be fixed and helped as they should be.  Keeping us occupied and saturated by making even more problems to distract us from the important ones.  Things that should not matter, like appearance, race, age, sex, and religion, are still holding an extremely disturbing amount of peoples' attention.

People all struggling to try to be better than others so that society will love them more.  People looking down on others and becoming bitter over their own struggles, rather than learning from them and helping their own kind.  Life has become hell on earth, a horrendous war of people struggling for the love they so rightfully deserve without the need for such a fight, and the every-man-for-himself that society has become is no longer going to work for anyone.  Being a selfish asshole who refuses to listen will forever make the world a more miserable place, spreading throughout humanity and forever impeding our progress and happiness.

Wisdom is that very power.  To learn from struggles and failures, your own and others', and to rise above adversity better, happier, and more helpful than ever before.  It is what this world desperately needs to be able to overcome the adversities that we are now presented with.  Because everyone who has ever lived has tried, to try, that most important of acts, whether a failure or a triumph, no matter from what angle or problem, similar or not, we can all learn from each other and become more wise if we took the time to share, listen, and learn.



LEARNING
Learning, not math or science or trivia is what makes a person smart.  Intellegent.  Knowledgeable.  Wise.  This is what matters for life and happiness.  I am twenty years old.  I have learned the important things I know from my lover, who is maybe a year older.  We are still but wiser than many people who can never admit mistakes.  I am sure that we both wish you love, and true happiness in your life as we have found.  Think, question, and learn from everything in your life.  Never, ever stop trying, or be afraid to try, because you will always learn something no matter what happens.  And always do your best to love each other, so that humanity can become better.

    With love.
    ~The Dethy

I guess I've just been exhausting myself the past couple days.  Trying to love myself, trying to love my lover, just feeling like I've been failing miserably at both and making myself miserably exhausted. 

I just feel bad if my lover needs something and I can't give it to her.  I want more than anything in the world for her to be happy.  To be there for her and to give her what she needs.  I want to be able to give her everything she needs.  I guess I need to try and accept I can't do that all the time.  And feeling bad about it. To just try my hardest with everything.  Otherwise things are just going to get worse again like they have been.

I guess I need to make my lover feel better about herself.  I want her to feel better about spending time on things for herself too.  I need to remember that bored isn't always lonely, even though it usually has been. 

Which I guess means I'm going to spend more time on myself.  Spend some time actually caring about myself.  Which means doing things I otherwise feel like I didn't have time for.  Because I'm important.  I'd probably advise my lover to do the same.

I love you more than anything lover.  Please love yourself and be okay.   And don't worry about me.  I'm doing great if I'm learning to love myself.  I'm feeling happier.  I hope you are too.  I'll love you forever.