Started 6:35 AM, Wednesday June 16, 2010
Finished 6:58 AM, Wednesday June 16, 2010

Life sure is abusive.  At least it seems that way.  I guess it's really not, but I want to be myself.   I suppose there are just wounds that need to heal.  Hurt that needs to be worked through.  Hate that needs to be let go of.

I guess I can't hate life anymore.  It doesn't help anything anyways.  Or change anything.  It just makes it worse.  It's just too overwhelming.  I've just gotta be myself yeah.  Write whatever I feel.  Work through it, rather than spend my time running away from it.  That way I can be grounded, and live the moments of my life to the fullest.  Rather than be weighed down by time like it's some burden.  After all, what is time if I can never take the time.  It'd just be a waste.

I can't let these things diminish me.  Or spend my time feeling sorry.  Or get frustrated with things.  I can't feel guilty about anything anymore, or doubt myself.  I can't have these doubts about myself and my dreams.  I can't doubt that things happen for a reason, that they can heal, that I can be myself.  I can't let things get in the way.  I have to express myself, and do what I can, when I can.

I have to do what I can, and take care of myself.  Not do what I can't.  The measure of a life is not in it's deeds or worth to others, or any such arbitrary measure of social commodity or sacrifice.  I must not sacrifice myself for others, for anyone.  No matter how much I care about them.  Fuck anyone who thinks I exist for their convenience.  And sacrificing myself will get me nowhere.  It does nothing for the people who care about me.

Anyways I just needed to write a damn journal entry.  I needed to write and get through my anxieties.  I won't always feel well enough to write some flowery or inspirational piece of shit.  lol.  But don't worry for my sake.  Don't sacrfice your emotions and self-respect for some words on a screen.  Don't cry any tears or skip any beats for my sake.

Don't let me worry about you or sacrifice myself either.  It's a bad habit, one I need to grow out of.  I'm done with this american mind control and guilt-tripping bullshit.  It's not my burden to carry.  Just let me know how you're doing, so I know the truth of what's going on, rather than having to imagine the worst.  Be honest so I don't do anything stupid.  Let me know you care, so I know why I'm here.  

Give things time to heal.
Ravendeth

Started 7:41 AM MST, Sunday June 13, 2010
Finished 11:19 AM MST, Sunday June 13, 2010

....It sure has been an insanely long year.  I'm glad that this retrograde hell is finally ending.  Mars, mercury, saturn, probably other ones too.  Uranus in my finances.  A moon wobble even.  It's really straining to ride the end of it out, and recover in body and mind.  

But I feel my head clearing up.  It's like.....We're picking life back up from last december, unbelievably.  Still, I'm glad to have my lover, my twin flame.....And to be so close to her, and come so far in our relationship.  We can share anything now.  So ah, I'd like to share this journal survey Taelle made, with uh.....Taelle, and the secret illuminati of obscure blog surfing.   This is a survey she made, created for the purpose of drawing out answers in a journal-like fashion.   So let's go.


    DAILY PERSONAL
1. How are you?
    Tired.  I'm still not even really awake yet.  Also hungry.  I want to do things today, but this allergic and tired feeling makes me wonder when the hell I'll be able to.  I'm okay otherwise.  I feel like I want to get back into creative things today.  I just feel so tired and sick.  But honestly I feel less zombified today than I have in the past couple days.  I hope that means I can recover and get something done. 
2. Do you remember any dreams?  If so, what were they?  How did they make you feel?
    Oh yeah.  Very stange dreams.  I basically dreamt I was back in some kinda school, sitting in class with people that I never got along with, yet it was like I was their friends or something.  My bitchiest english teacher was like, passing out papers and the people around me were pretty uncooperative.  So just kinda, whatever.  Apparently some people were online during class hours through my brain chat room viewer so I was wondering what was up. z-z  And apparently Enel had been skipping some of her last classes, so I was looking for her around the school to find out what was up.  Otherwise during lunch I played a very strange game, it was basically Primal Rage, and the fairy godmother (apparently the tooth fairy in my dream) from Disney's Cinderella was apparently the character I picked.  It went on about how the tooth fairy had to "Battle the great lord Sauron for domination of this domain" or some such thing through some scrolling story screen.  So yes.  I woke up feeling well, confused.  And not very well rested.  At least it wasn't a nightmare for once.  I feel very neutral about the whole thing.  I just don't think much of it honestly.  Just another strange dream that I don't seem to get anything out of.
3. What have you been up to?
    Lately?  I've been sick so.  A couple things.  I talk to Taelle and Dave when I can, I've been pretty zombified until today though.  I try to think about story stuff through stifling mental blocks and exhaustion.  Otherwise I've been playing resident evil 4 quite a bit (20 hours in as of this post), currently at the giant Salazar statue.  It's been going well.  I got my signature upgrade for the bolt-action rifle today.   The pistol is almost done too.  I got a mine thrower, definitely gonna keep that thing after how bad it slaughtered the twin el gigante. Target practice has been a pain but, I'm hitting my stride with it.  It's a good thing that I'm getting past these stressful obstacles rather well, I feel pretty at ease now.  Otherwise uh.  Besides Resident Evil 4, I don't end up doing much, feeling so drained lately.... I usually end up just spacing, for hours on end.  Sometimes I play a bit of pokemon online, because I'm trying to find a team that *suits me* and my style perfectly.  Like, if I can find a team that exemplifies my personal style, it might give me some personal and story insight.  Mostly I do pokemon online because it's easy and doesn't take too much effort and it's more productive than blanking out.
4. Is there something unique about today?
    Today is blog day, and "get up off my sick ass and do something while I feel better" day.  Mark your calendars.  But I consider this day to finally be the end of astrology hell.  I just get that feeling.  So I want today to be special. 
5. Do you have any plans?
    I need to take out the garbage.  Lol well.  Today I just want to get things done.  I'm trying to sort out my priorities as far as errands go.  Garbage needs to go out, power bill needs to get paid, I need to get some groceries and snacks, I need to clean up the house, I need to do the dishes, and I need to go out and buy food for Taelle today.  I also need rest, and I want to work on Ravenous with Taelle, and get my head back into roleplaying.  Considering the daunting amount of things that need to be done, it's only natural that I won't do all of them today. 
6. What's something that you would like to do?
    I would like to do four of those tasks today.  I should update my todo list, really.  I want to do the important things.   Mostly, I'm gonna have to muster up  the focus to go get food today.  I also wanna do some house stuff, and then talk to Taelle. 
7. What's something that you would not like to do?
    I don't really look forward to cleaning up the house.  It's a very intensive task, in both time and energy.  But it needs to be done.
8. Is anything bothering you?
    My tiredness mostly.  The stress of exhaustion and having things to do.  I don't want it to bother me, and honestly it's not as bad as it usually is but.  I want my damn energy back.  I want to be better.  Elevated.  Active.  Engaged.
9. Is anything pleasing you?
    The fact that I can think a bit better today.  It's not great yet but, I think I can figure out Ravenous with Taelle today.  I can finally work and get the ball rolling, rather than this eternal stalemate.  I feel like my sense of self is very slowly seeping back.
10. How are other people in your life doing?
    I don't really know.  To be honest.  I've been out of it for too long.  I imagine Dave is happy about his new computer, even if he's still breaking it in.  I hope Taelle is okay, I really do.  She seems fine enough on the outside, although exhausted much like I am.  I need to talk with her more, because I've been zombified for too long.  So I've been too numb to really know.  I hope she's not lonely. 
11. How have they been treating you?   
    They've been treating me very well.  I can't always talk to them but, people have been very accomodating for me lately while I've been sick.  I'm glad people care about me.  I hope I'm not troubling anyone.
12. Have you spent time with someone?  What did you do?
    My old friend Tom was around yesterday, we talked about Resident Evil 4.  Otherwise not really, I've been too zombified, I've been off on my own.  Maybe it's because I'm so tired, I'm naturally trying to space myself to recharge.  I don't know.  I want to  spend more time with Taelle.
13. Is there something you've wondered about recently?
    Pokemon.  Myself.  How practical am I, really?  What blend of power, consistency, practicality, mindgames, aggressiveness, defensiveness, just what blend is my style made of, exactly?  What kind of goal should I be setting to overcome problems?  What exactly is the nature of my approach and myself? 
14. Is there something you've learned recently?
    Offensive hail teams are hard to make.  it's too hard to beat the counters without using members that are overly defensive.  I need to revamp my approach, or try a different team idea not based around weather.
15. What's your general mood or thoughts right now?
    Tired.  so tired.  must build homes.  My neck hurts.  go away allergies.  headache.  bleh. lol.  Apparently I made noises in my sleep, my guess is because of breathing problems and this sinus pressure making my sleep very unusual.
16. How is your health?
    I give it about a C-.  Exhausted, drained.  drained some more.  A bit painful.  Somewhat more energetic.  Easier to start thoughts, harder to deepen them.


    FULFILLMENT
1. What's something you want?  Explain.
    I want to do the things we need to get done.  Cleaning the house, getting food, spending time helping Taelle write and being creative.  Having sex.  z-z
2. Can this be fulfilled?  How would it make you feel?
    They can get done.  It will take a lot of time though.  It'll be a very gradual process.  More gradual than I would like but.  I just have to remember that my efforts mean more than what shows, and to just keep at it.  Time isn't important, we're more important than time.  Of course it'd make me happy.  I'd feel satisfied with my time and my energy and efforts.  I'd be able to relax a bit better.  I need to hit my stride with all these stresses in my life.  To be balanced.
3. What's something you need?  Explain.
    I need to talk with Taelle more.  Not only have I been zombified and diminished for too long, but I need to be connected with my love, and to make sure she's okay.  I need things to be open, so we can be connected.  It'll be easy enough, I just need to wake up.  I also need to get over my feelings and anxieties about time.  Everything will be okay, as long as I'm connected with my love.  We can make it through anything together.     
4. Can this be fulfilled?  How would it make you feel?
    Of course it can.  It's been easy lately anyways.  I just need to figure out how to get my energy back, i don't really know how.  I need to make sure I eat, and drink water.  I need to clear my head.  I need to be with my love.  And anything else.  Just whatever it takes, without hesitation.


    RANDOM PERSPECTIVE
1. Something that you like: 
    Bringing old characters back, filling out an unpolished idea.  Finding out that these things are meaningful in such a fulfilling way, and being able to share them with my love.
2. Something that you dislike: 
    Being unable to do things.  I want our needs to be met.  I want to meet Taelle's needs.  I want to be able to do it all the time.
3. Something that makes you hurt or sad:
    My sex life.  What can I say, it's a pretty basic need, and my spinal problems really get in the way.  Taelle needs it too.  There needs to be healing in that area.  I want that to get better soon.  I think it is slowly, but I would like faster progress.
4. Something that makes you anxious, disturbed or scared:
    The management.  My memory is saying they inspect in the summer, so I'm feeling kind of anxious about it.  I need to clean up very soon.  Within the next three days.  I don't think they'll inspect anytime soon but, I just really need to get it done to get my peace of mind.  I need to DO something about it, I can't sit on anxieties.
5. Something that makes you upset or angry:
    Same.  Just this shitty apartment, neighbors, people.  Everyone just treats each other like shit all the time, I can't stand it.  The weather and air here is so shitty.  I just hate this place.  This apartment.  We've been living here more than three years, I look around and it feels like I'm sleeping over at someone's shitty room.  I want to move.
6. Something that makes you glad or happy:
    My lover.  Being so close to her, and being able to share everything with her.  The way she's treated me so well, especially when I've been sick.  The way we've been able to roleplay and help each other grow back into ourselves again.  Just being able to share love with her, and not feeling alone.
7. Something that makes you amused or want to laugh:
    The faces from the aria of sorrow artwork, everyone seems to be making very flirtatious expressions.  The artwork is of exceptional quality, of course, but I can't help but feel the artist loves her sexy men.  Either that or the characters really like Soma.
8. Something that entertains or occupies you:
    Taelle's story.  I pretty much always have it on my mind, even when I can't think.  I just love it.  And it's a great path towards fulfillment.
9. Something that bores you, or disinterests you:
    I don't know.  People who don't bother to try learning about things.  People who just seem to want to stand for their own brand of  stupid.  I don't have any patience for it, and I don't get it.  Things without good reason are just pointless, right?  I don't know.  It feels that way.
10. Something that intrigues or interests you:
    Characters.  I want to learn about people, myself, and just grow in that way.  And experience those things.  Especially when it's old characters, it's like reviving good parts of myself.     
11. Something that you understand:
    That there is no best way to do things.  People are people, they're all different, unique.  There is no best style of anything, only people who are closer to fulfilling their own potential and developing their own personal skills and talents.
12. Something that confuses you:
    People who complain about their computers when there's nothing they can't run.  It's just an obsessive subculture I guess, degenerates who have to constantly upgrade their own computers because they're rich kids with no fulfillment.  As far as I can reason.  People who similarly make gigantic deals out of very minor problems, I guess because they're ignorant and don't know any better.   
13. Something that you're in the mood to see:
    I kinda want to see the matrix movies.  I know the sequels are lame, but Keanu Reaves is a pretty skilled Baguazhang practicioner (I know kung fu, check out my muscles too), and the gun sequences are still pretty inspiring.  It has that modern oppressive technology feel, kind of like Qadan and Red Alert do. 
14. Something that you're in the mood to hear:
    Some Juno Reactor to pound my enemies into submission with techno beats, I wonder which of their albums are good, they're quite old and long-running now.
15. Something that you're in the mood to taste, smell or touch:
    Mashed potatoes and gravy.  I could probably go for some KFC or something.  Been a long time.
16. Something that you're in the mood to do:
    Jump around like the dead to rights guy, shooting everything in my way.  Doing cool stuff with magic.  Just really getting into story stuff.
17. Something you did, experienced, said or caused that made you feel bad:
    Not being able to meet Taelle's needs.  Mostly food, snacks, just stuff we both need to recharge, I'm gonna have to get moving sooner or later if we're ever gonna recharge properly.
18. Something somebody else did, experienced, said or caused that made you feel bad:
    I dunno.  I feel bad not being able to be there for others, when they're experiencing bad things.  Like dave being bored, or Taelle being unfulfilled.  Just the stuff they experience, and I can't help with. 
19. Something you did, experienced, said or caused that made you feel good:
    Finally figuring out the trick to the shooting gallery: Don't miss shots.  It doesn't really matter if you miss a kill but, if you miss a shot you won't get salazar heads, which matter more than killing all the zombies.  I feel like I finally got over a stress in a patient way, rather than rushing through it emotionally.  It makes me a bit proud. 
20. Something somebody else did, experienced, said or caused that made you feel good:
    Taelle and Dave being so nice to me yesterday.  Even though I've been such a zombie.  Just them showing such concern.  It made me feel loved.
21. Something that you would like to show someone:
    This survey.  I wanna show Taelle Sonic 3, or maybe a final fantasy game, just something fun.  Just showing her they're not bad, just that "my genre or die" fans are annoying morons.  I think she knows that, but I ought to at least show her what the series are about rather than them just being bad.
22. Something that you don't want someone to see:
    I dunno.  I don't want anyone to see the house messy.  Come to think of it, everything will be clean by the time Enel comes over so, everything should be fine.  I don't really have anything like that.  No deep dark secrets.  I don't think Taelle cares for mindless action games or comics, and why should she.  e_e  Sometimes my brain just needs the new fuel though, to keep things in motion.  Other things don't really explore new ways of motion in those new ways.  Since I always have to imagine things in motion, and I'm not good at seeing the whole picture from scratch.


    WHAT'S ONE OF THE LAST...
1. Things you did?
    Talk to Taelle about Ravenous.  Listen to some megaman music.  I dunno.  I'm just kinda in the moment.  I played resident evil 4, did pretty well.  Got all the upgrades on my rifle, even the exclusive.  18 firepower is like "holy crap I'm awesome now".  I like the mine thrower too.  I'm quite pleased.  And my guns are quite upgraded.  Lol.
2. Things you thought about doing, but didn't?
    A lot of things.   I could play Megaman X just to play the mine cart scene with armored armadillo because the stage and the music are epic, but I won't.  I have better things to do.
3. Things you said?
    Yay~
4. Things you thought about saying, but didn't?
    Stupid CD-i phrases infecting my brain seeming so appropriate for everything in such a CD-i quality life e_e
5. Things said to you?
    "Probably a lot of dead weight" - Bryism about why a pokemon team might not be working as planned
6. Things you were in the mood to eat or drink?
    Some KFC, mashed potatoes, gravy, drumstick, chicken breast, biscuits, potato wedges.  Num.
7. Things you ingested?
    Sandwich made of cheese and chicken nuggets.  Yes chicken is my favorite food.
8. Things you saw?
    Trees outside with no leaves on the top half, yet the bottom half seems entirely leaved.   Awesome layton.   
9. Ambiences you heard?
    Ruffling plastic from Taelle's box of club crackers.  I was basically like "What's that weird noise?"
10. Music you heard or thought about?
    Battle vs Lord Blazer, Wild Arms rocking heart remix album.  Also "God is God" by Juno Reactor.
11. Things that you were tempted to do?
    Play more dumb games.  I'd rather not but, it's tempting when other stuff is so hard and I don't want to worry about bad things.  But I have better things to be doing.  I can work through my anxieties with Taelle anyways.
12. Things you accomplished?
    Cleaning out my picture folders.  Took quite a while.  Magically freed up space.  Also now I can make sense of my things.
13. Things that didn't work out?
    Waking up.  z-z It's 10:00 am now, I want to go buy food, but still not awake. 
14. Goals that you want to achieve?
    lol.  I just want to feel better.  I want to talk about Ravenous and Taelle's kitty person today.  And get a clear mental image of Ravenous in action again.
I want to bust these stresses in the ass, and hit my stride.  I want to get through my biggest problems without fearing them or worrying.


    CREATIVE
1. What's something that you've done, discussed or thought about recently, storywise?
    Ravenous.  I've been thinking about him for some time, honestly.  And his Exis magic.  The ways he manifests and use it.  After all, it's not about elements, but the powers you have, ie the ways you use it.
2. Have there been any new thoughts, plots, characters or other devellopments?
    Plenty.  Taero having different elements, Temujin being a human and sin member, Erasmus being a sin member, Ravenous coming back as a magical thelozend mix.  Red may join the sins as well, who knows.
3. What's something, or someone, that you have trouble figuring out?
    Figuring out how to recharge.  How to get active again.  Honestly I might have to sleep and rest more.  Sounds like an oxymoron but, all these things I try to do to relax don't seem to help quite as much as just laying around does.  I'm also having trouble visualizing Temujin again, I feel like I have half an idea but, I can't picture him in motion at all.  I need to think more about his magic.
4. What's a character that you feel like, relate to, or analogize with, right now?
    I still feel like I'm Red, honestly.  But changing roleplays and discussions will help me shift my attitude and mannerisms.   
5. If you were in a story setting as that character right now, what would it be?  Explain.
    I dunno.   My daydreams run away with future thoughts.  Rescuing people.  Shooting things.  Destroying places very matrix-styled.  Messing with new weapons.  Playing some awesome UT, roleplay-style.  The world is our stage.
6. What's a character (or characters) that you would like to spend time with?  Explain.
    I would like to spend time with Taelle's new character.  It would make me happy.  And feel loved.  Just make me feel better, uplift my heart and spirit.
7. What would you like to do?  Through literal experience, roleplay, or either?
    Meet new people.....Make new friends.  As anyone, anywhere.  I want to be able to make friends and be friendly to people again......
8. What's a good story analogy for your life or problems right now?
    Temujin.  i feel sour towards people in general still, and doubts about my dreams.  It needs to clear up.  Otherwise Temujin will generally destroy things and wander aimlessly.  Just kind of not really getting anything out of life. 


    IMPERSONAL
1. How is the weather?
    Reminds me of a stockton winter day, with the white and greyed out polluted sky.  It's like psuedo-cloud cover.  And just that annoying silver brightness.  Certainly isn't helping my energy levels.
2. How is astrology?
    A new moon.   I'm really feeling it, having such a hard time doing things.  But astrology is trying to tell me to relax.  New moons are for relaxing, even if it's hard to get meaningful things done.  And the moon wobble in emotions is making me abnormally anxious.  I just need to prioritize relaxing.  It's the only way I'll get enough rest to recharge, otherwise I'll run ragged worrying.  But I want to get things done too, so I hate the conflict.  I just need to do what i can, and not worry about arbitrary goals.  I need to live life by the moment.  And do what's best for a specific moment.


    VERY PERSONAL: EROTIC VENTING AND FULFILLMENT
(Censored)


    CONCLUSION
1. What's on your mind?
    Having the sex questions last makes me want to have sex.
2. How do you feel?
    A little more awake, energetic, more optimistic.  Ultimately our goal is to have ourselves back, so we can have our dreams without these damn doubts getting in the way.  Yeah we've been hurt these past few years, very hurt.  It almost seems like our dreams are impossible.  But we're growing and getting in touch with ourselves again.  There is no such thing as wasted time.  If I've learned any lesson, it's that we're more important than time.  Having our dreams takes time.  Trying to do it all at once is overwhelming.  We're not diminished in ourselves, our actions and things are just spread over this thing called "time".  Dealing with these memories and doubts is going well, and it's the secret to unlocking our dreams.  The secret to not letting anything get in the way.  If it was possible once, then it's possible at any given time.  Such is reality, reality is a constant.  Truth is a constant.

The truth is, love is real.  Our dreams are real.  Nothing can change the truth.  If something was possible once, there's no reason that it's not possible at any other given moment in time.  It's possible forever.  It's possible to do forever.  Reality, real life, isn't about compromising, it's about working past your doubts, and putting time and work into it. 

To my love for Taelle,
Ravendeth.

Yes, it's been ages.  Things have been largely the same as last time, the real world is miserable, and dreams are hard to remember through the stresses of our days.  It becomes difficult to think, to hope, to dream. 

Still, we prevail.  And, there is light at the end of the tunnel, at least.  We'd finally gotten started on a way out of here...  The days are rocky and less than ideal but, we do what it takes to go on, and keep our heads.  We manage.

Anyways, I digress.  Why I'm writing here now, after all this time.....It's a strange feeling.  I'm not entirely sure myself.   As I play the nostalgic games of my upbringing, memories tug at the edges of my consciousness like an invisible sadness.  I feel the anxiety of those days, and just how bad it all was, and how lucky I am today...

I remember the words of "The Lion King", "Remember who you are.".  I ponder the real meaning of those words, and my past.  I ponder the meaning of dreams, the nature of inspirations past and their origins.

Like a morning mist, I don't often have a clear grip on the difference between my dreams, my daydreams, and my thoughts.  Especially because most of my ideas come through contemplation, and actual dreams in the sleeping sense are exceedingly rare for me.  Daydreams are more like sleep dreams nowadays, because I've had to fill that gap....  I suppose it doesn't really matter, because right now they're all the same in my mind, in my memories...

So, I try to quietly contemplate these things when I'm up at night...I remember the things that happened, quite well, as I think about them.....But what about the feelings I had?  The way I felt, the way I was....the dreams I had?  I feel nostalgia, but also a dread anxiety.....And yeah, it bothers me, like trying to sink into a sea of feeling, unable to break the surface.  Will it continue to bother me?  I'm too strong to be fully disturbed by such a thing, but I can't help but be bothered by what it means, and wonder about it....

I think about "The Desert", a place that in memory seems more like a dream, than the metaphor I used so often for my life in those days......A metaphor for the endless field, the helpless feeling, the daily misery.....I wonder about a spiny lion, who one day saved me from the desert.  Were those spines scales, like some kind of dragon?  Is this the same lion that inhabits my daydreams today, bounding around like some heavenly creature?  Running to the aid of my friends and causes? 

Because, that lion is myself today, in my dreams......Is this possible?  Anything is possible.....I wonder if I had really saved myself, through the fog and mist of time itself....   Or maybe it's my guardian angel....It sounds silly, like some convoluted plot from Marvel comics or something....

I try to learn about myself, about my feelings, about my past.....To reconcile.  Reconcile with what, you say?  I couldn't tell you....Maybe my life, with my sense of purpose.  That's part of it, but not all of it....Just feelings that can't be put into words.  I reach through memories and dreams and my past like a morning mist, and contemplate the nature of life and myself...

I'm not satisfied with this uneasy sensation....I can't let my doubts overcome this searching, but why do I feel this way?  In searching myself for some measure of peace, I find instead something very unnerving, like a crawling nightmare, some sightless horror at the edge of the universe, like some inner cthulu.....I know this is not myself, my true nature is something good, like anyone.....But what does it mean?  The sum of anxieties?  Morbid doubts?  Some unresolved, unknown trauma?  I don't have the slightest idea yet...

I won't let it drag me down or slow my life down, though...My Twin Flame wants to share her dreams with me, and seems able today....For this I am glad beyond words.  I want to share everything with her...I won't let my doubts hold me back.

With all the Love of everything,
To my burning twin soul,
Ravendeth

I would give anything for my lover to be happy.  I wanted to be happy too.  I'm not sure where it is that I lost myself again, along the way....I can probably trace it back in writing, these days, at least....

Still....I don't remember why.  I don't remember much of anything....I suppose that's not unusual for me....It's how I've always dealt with my feelings.  Of course, it's not a good thing to do, but it's all my feelings have known.....I can't deal with things, or the feelings that arise from them.....So I try to forget, and forget about the bad feelings....

Like the car lights shimmering across the ceiling at night in our miserable second-story apartment on those sleepless nights, it's hard to remember or think much about anything....

I suppose that it happened when that server died......That we were playing a game together on.   I suppose that this blog entry will be a rant, me venting a lot........Anyways.....It had always been dying, at heart, it seems.   It was never quite what we wanted.  The people, especially, seemed a constant reminder of peoples' general idiocy, shallowness, cruelty, hatefulness, just all of the depressing qualities of modern humankind....  

It never actually died, but, I think we realized that with such a culmination of society's incompetence and hatefulness, that we needed to move on.   That such a place would never be our sanctuary, a place for us to be together together and have a nice thing to play with and a place to escape with each other too....So I started our server.  

It was a good idea, great even, to have a project that we could both be creative  with and work with each other on, and finally be alone....It would be the project we were looking for.

It was depressing, really.   It took literal straight weeks of constant work to get anything done at all.   To do this simple bit of work, was made horrifyingly impossible by, again, the idiocy of the general populace....   To go out on the internet, and try to find anything helpful, useful, or any kind of help or for anyone to lend an ear or look for any kind of meaningful thought....The internet has been getting worse these days.  Rather than becoming an extension of information, thought, and data, instead society has extended into the internet, the regression of shallowness, hatefulness, and general harmfulness permeating almost every community...

Still....I pressed on, and eventually got it working.   At this point though....I don't even know if it's worth it.   If we'll really get what we want out of it.   Something is always broken, always impeding us, and it's impossible to get help to fix....Something is always impossible, always limiting us....It's as if I'm being crushed by life itself.

...It's extremely stressful, feeling powerless, alone, wrestling with something broken constantly and just hoping to god that it will work....That some things will be broken forever just because of idiots out there, that such a good idea can be so easily ruined.....Even now I feel chest pain and my consciousness almost cramping.....

..I just wanted me and my lover to have something nice to do with each other.  Something easy.  Something creative and filled with love.  We've worked on the server, a little bit, sure....Progress has been slow but sure.  We've had some fun playing with things.  

I'm not sure if we're still gonna go through with it.  I've tried taking some breaks.  Talking to people.   Watching some sailor moon, which is definitely gonna be my favorite anime, being hilarious and filled with thought-provoking undercurrents, especially about real romance, which you never really learn about from things.  

I can't find any way to relax.  Or handle anything.  We're running out of food lately.   I would give anything for a decent meal, just to remember that life can feel good again.   I feel numb.  I try to take the time to think, I only feel like the world is closing in around me.  Taelle makes me feel good sometimes, but I don't feel like I can bear the complicated mess of emotions anymore.

I feel horrible.  I feel utterly ill.   I feel constant pains in random areas, cramped muscles and sleeping limbs......A fever.....I can't feel my face anymore....What I wouldn't give to feel something nice on my face again....I always feel starving.....And sick.....My hands are always shaking.....I have trouble breathing....And my chest hurts....I even have trouble just focusing my eyes to see, these days...

I constantly fear for what the future brings....I'm always running away.....I feel like all that is wrong with the world has crashed upon me like a wave, and swept me away.   I find myself wanting to sleep my days away, to just lay and be content to starve myself to death so that the pain will stop....

I know I have once lived as an angel...I know this because of the constant pain I feel, this searing wound in my very soul, and I mourn society's loss of humanity....I feel that the world has become an abomination, that they have forgotten god's love.....That people have resigned themselves to a fate much worse than any evil could ever set forth.....

I'm not a religious man.....I believe in the god of love...That god is love, that the beauty in life and the soul is love......That every soul is a spark of divine love, and that god loves you and treats you equally no matter what you do.....

I just want the pain to end.....For everyone.....Nobody should be doing this, and nobody deserves this.....Nobody should even have to deal with this....There is no excuse, for people not loving each other, or for people hating each other and living in such hate....

I know that's part of why I'm here again....With my lover....Out of spiritual retirement.....But how am I to spread love, to show everyone love and help them remember, if I can't even show myself love......If I only find myself forgetting and not being able to bear my emotions or the pain.....

Taelle......My lover....I'm sorry.....I feel profoundly worse than any words like "guilt" or "regret"......I feel that I can't bear anything......That I can't stand any more pain or the things that keep happening to bring about more pain.....That I live in fear every day, that things are just going to bring more pain.....

I'm sorry.....Even when I try to share things with you, and when I do, I still feel like I can't bear my end of it.....That I can't stand my own side of the feelings and the pain.....I just feel so tired....Of all the pain.....I just want it to end.....

I just want to go back home.....I wonder if any place down here can even feel like home.....If we can have a place to ourselves that feels like it's not at war........That hate isn't at war with love and that we can just accept love and live in it.....

I love you...More than anything.....I just can't bear my feelings, or any of the pain, anymore.....I don't know how I can bear sharing anything with you.....I'm trying to but I don't even know how to begin to......

All I can do is write you my feelings, I guess....I'm sorry if my venting has come across as raw or hopeless......or if my feelings are too much for you....I still have hope.....I just don't know how to even share things....Or handle my emotions at all.......All I can do is write......

I love you more than anything......I still feel happy, with your love, sometimes...It's still more than I used to......I just feel like I've lost hope in life itself.....That even things that felt good about life are starting to lose their meaning.......That nice feelings, the things that god put down here on earth for us to enjoy and feel god's love, feel out of my reach...

...I feel alone too.......I'm sorry......I wish I could have given you something as permanent, as well........All I can try to do is love you forever and always......I only have so much energy to give,  I guess I should try and give it directly to you now instead of messing with these things......We can still have things, I just need a break from life.....

I love you....With all of my soul....And everything I have to give....I always have......I want to make you happy.....So that waiting won't be a bad thing anymore......

I'm sorry.....For not being there for you....I just need to forget life....And to forget the pain.....No more hate, or sadness.....But I want to be with you all I can......To always have and feel our love.....To know that someday we'll be able to forget this pain and fear, and live in our pure love.....

So....I can't do anything else......I'm just in too much pain......and I need you to be okay, before I can live at all.......All I can do is lay and dream of a better place....Please lay with me....Just lay down together with me....And we'll be in each other's arms....I'll help you forget your pain......And I'll love you.....And we'll feel love again.....

We'll have a better life than this.....We'll live in each other's love again.....I know in my heart, that god intended for there to be more to life, than this.....That it will be better...

...I will try to write my feelings in my blog every day.....Because when I'm not writing in my journal, my feelings are just screwing up......Held in and piling up....It's obvious just looking back at all the big gaps in this journal....That even going a week without writing in it is very unhealthy, for me....

And so....I love you....I'm sorry that I'm not well enough to express myself in any other way, right now....And for not commenting on your blog, because I can't think well enough to....I'm going to leave this entry with the writings on my wall, in order from oldest to newest.

Don't Forget. Think Instead.
Remember what it feels like to be happy. Fight for it.
Share Everything.  Any problem or emotion can be dealt with together.

And so that's end of this day......And the beginning of a new day....Because while we're still alive, it's always a new day.....If I had a new one to add to my wall, it would be something like "Live in love, forget the pain of this life"......

To our new and happy lives,
Your Eternal Flame of Love,
Dethy~

This is in response to Taelle's blog entry on Saturday, October 11, 2008 so says the system clock.  THIS is her blog link, in case it's seizuring.


...


Well, you don't have any errors or anything you worry about....You've always come across as well as anyone can.  If someone wants to put their own dumbass in between their brain and what you're trying to say, it's their fault, not yours.  

You are always profound and intellegent, because you are always thinking and learning, unlike the vast majority of the world.   

I'm glad that you're having nice dreams, and I found what you said about changing something in your story world up very interesting, I can't wait to find out what it is for myself.  

I'm sure that your dreams are there for a reason and to help inspire you and give you something to think about, no matter how strange.

I'm glad you're learning to be yourself better as well, I have been spending a  lot of time being introspective about very many things lately...

My characters are a good start because they are after all part of myself, and to learn why they are the way they are, will put me that much closer to finding myself, and to look forward to what I want and like, rather than just what I need.

And yes, games and roleplaying are definitely fun with you, I'm sure that we will have a lot more fun relaxing.

As for the survey, you should do it for yourself, not for me or for us...Do it so you can express yourself and your love, your feelings and so you can think about things.  I don't want you to worry about me or what I'll think of it, the best way for me to love it is if you put yourself into it.  If you just be yourself, enjoy it, instead of worrying about what I want to hear or who I want you to be...  I'll love to have that part of you and your work, to have that piece of your love, and that's why I will love it.  

And don't feel bad unaccomplished, even if you don't get everything you want done to get done....Just feel accomplished that you're working on it, that you're doing the best you can and that we're getting so much done, because we are...We have a lot to do, but we know what it is.  At least since we know what it is we have to do, we know nothing else will sneak up on us right?  Lol at least we know what we're doing and getting it done, and there's nothing to worry about after.  

I love you more than anything, just give me yourself and I'll enjoy that no matter what or how.

At least that's about right for the consistency....  So I've been wading through lately.  I get some things done.  The lack of recent journal entries is well, because I've been rather slow.  If the frequency of my old blog entries are any indication, though, at least I'm not as slow as I have been.

I know that I have to think, to get anything done.  I've learned that lately, at least, and it's very important.  Oftentimes I just want to forget about things, problems, feelings, anything, to try and feel better.  Well, it never works.  Even forgetting very small things keeps me from seeing the world with any amount of clarity.  The only way to solve any problem, or come to terms with and get a grip on any feeling or emotion, or come to terms with anything period, is to think it through.  

So it's been slow for me.  Mostly because I'm very tired.  I haven't slept very well all week.  It's hard to think when you're tired, so I think that this has been frustrating in what I'm trying to carry out.  I try not to feel bad about it because that just starts the cycle again.  

So things have been okay.  I finished some character work, some really good stuff that I think will really do it for me when I need to think about my characters and how they tick, so that I know myself better as well, them being part of me.  I didn't get as much done as I wanted to, but it's only because I'm tired.

I'm just trying to find myself really.  I can't be there for anyone if not myself.   Or care for anyone if I can't care for myself and what I want, like I've said before.  

Talking is easier now.  It's easy to figure out that most problems are just people needing something and not getting it.  And then it gets more convoluted because of society, and people no longer care about what they need, or feel that they deserve they need it, or some deny their needs altogether.  People spending their lives trying to do what others want, because they feel that's the only way others will care about them or love them, and that that's the only way they'll be worth anything because they have no self-worth outside of "accomplishments" for others.

I don't so much hate myself anymore.  I get mired in my feelings once in a while, but I think it's only because I'm tired and can't think my way out of it.  Just my old defunct habits of trying to forget my problems.

I was stressing about having to deal with things again, and other people, but I'm starting, more recently, to come to terms with what we can realistically do and expect from things.  Nothing is hopeless, and there is always room for good improvement, in any situation.  

So as always, we can only do for others, what they will let us.  It will grow in the age to come, of course, to be something we'd never dreamed.  Remember that there are always people out there, caring people, as hard as they are to find, and that they will not go away.  

So...I don't know.  I feel like I'm forgetting something, but I also feel pretty cold and dizzy.  And I need to eat.  And I just want rest.  So I'm gonna go do that.  

Not here, mind you.  If I'm not sitting here writing or doing something thought-provoking or creativity-related, I'm probably just wasting time trying to forget things again.  These days I'll have to spend being introspective....And extrospective, when it helps.  Just to think about and reflect on everything.

So that's all I can think of.  Right now anyways.  I'm sure more will come.

Don't forget.
Think instead.