Things have been quite different lately.  It's a good thing, really, change is good, compared to the ordeal the past year has been.  I've been searching for myself.  Trying to figure out who I really am, how to care about myself, how to be there for myself, and how to really love myself.

Of course this is for my relationship with my twin flame, for how else can you care for another person unless you care about yourself, or even what you want.  But that's not even half of the reason.  We need and deserve a relationship where we can spend the time genuinely loving and caring for each other, not letting guilt, self-hatred, worrying, hopelessness, or any negative emotions hindering us from being the lovers I know we can be.  But more than just for the good of my lover, or our relationship, it is just as much for me, because I deserve it and need it.

So that comes to what the fall has been.  I really have it figured out, and I figured out that I hate myself.  That I really hate myself, enough to do anything completely counter-intuitive to what I want and need, and then feel bad about it and everything else.   I can't care for anyone if I don't care about myself, or even what I want or need, and it just hijacks my life, as I'm sure it does my relationship with my twin flame.  I have been coming to terms with this problem though.

I am starting to get over it.  It has been painfully slow for the both of us, and I worry sometimes that it has been too slow.  But I have a conviction to Taelle, and to myself, now, that I will never, ever give up, in the face of anything.  I love you more than anything, Taelle, and I know in my heart too, that you will never give up on me, that our love is that deep, not because I have an expectation of the type of person you are, but because we both share that common need to share our true love, above all else.

Essentially, these past few days, we have been going under something of a trial separation.  Like anyone who truly loves each other doing this sort of thing, it is for the better.  Our time together has to be genuine and full of true love, not the stupid endeavor of being mired in guilt, worry, and horrible self-esteem that it had been.  Our time alone, is to work on ourselves.  To stop hating ourselves, to care for ourselves, and really work on our feelings to feel deserving, and to have space to get a grip on our emotions.

So yes, it has been really rough.  On the both of us.  I know me and my lover need each other.  We need to really be there for each other, and really genuinely love each other, in our time together.  We need to be able to talk to each other, too, although sometimes it feels like we hit something of an end.  We just need each other.  We're not always capable of meeting that need. Things get in the way, emotions, feelings, stress, habits, self-esteem, the simple need for progress in the face of hopelessness.
 
Sometimes there's not really any words anymore, when we hit a certain point that words can no longer fix.  It is hard on the both of us, because we need to communicate and be verbally open with each other, to share everything, and have that desire to work things through and help each other.  But this is not necessarily a bad thing.  It is not something wrong with the relationship, or something to lose hope or self-esteem about.  It is simply reaching the end of how to solve a problem.  The last step.  All that can be said at this point is how much we love each other, and to reassure each other.  I know what the problem is, and I know what I must do.  To pour my love, energy, reason, prayers, the entirety of my being into it.  To work on it. 

And so I have been, the best that I can.  I feel myself slowly overcoming my self-hatred.  It has been extremely hard.  Especially the times that Taelle needs me, if I am not in a state that I can get over my self-hatred and emotions well enough to be helping anything without hurting something more.  It is absolutely above all else nobody's fault, I am simply not capable, not yet ready.  I know that Taelle feels alone when I cannot be her lover when she needs me most.  I want her to know that I still love her, and I am trying harder than ever, to never lose hope because it will happen, and that she is never alone, that I will always be there for her absolutely all that I can.  When I can truly be with her and give her the love and caring that she more than deserves,  without letting my or self-hatred or worrying or guilt get in the way, to really be the lover that I now know I can be. 

And so I know, Taelle, that you are feeling grim because none of your needs are being met.  Never feel bad or guilty for having needs, because you deserve anything you could possibly ever want or need.   That it is not the need itself causing pain, but the lack of it being met. 

Remember the good times we have and have had, especially lately, and know that the bad times will never be in vain again.  Never give up on your dreams, and I will be there for you very soon now.  That when times are bad, you can look back on this blog, and be reassured that good times will come again, that things are getting better. 

Henceforth I will be keeping my DAILY journal on this blog.  I have nothing to hide.  Let this be your beacon of hope in lonely and hopeless times, to know that this too shall pass, and that there are much better times ahead of us.

And so it is.
With love.  Your Dethy.