So it's been a while. Feels a hell of a lot longer than what the date says on my last entry here.....I've been mostly keeping private journals and generally being more introspective. I mean, for the few things that I actually ended up writing. They were more just thoughts and venting anyways. Yeah it was pretty horrible for a while. But it's better now.
I guess I don't write here much, because well, I tend to only really write down the things I learn. I'm just a slow learner. I think that I'm gonna try to keep my imood a lot more up to date concerning my status and goings-on, day to day. If I'm not updating it *at least* once a week, then I'm really slacking off.
So, about these past two months......Feels like it's been a whole year. Been insane. Just kind of got....mired, again. I just sort of ended up doing...nothing. Caught up in my reluctance to make any more mistakes, and mired in depression, loneliness, and lack of motivation. For the most part, just ended up...Killing time, for no particular reason....
Obviously, that doesn't do any good for anyone. It's been the longest two months probably ever. I'd been trying to dump all my bad habits, yeah, it was really slow going. It's been rough too. Maybe I deluded myself into waiting for something, but I think it's better now. I just have to spend all my time with Taelle. It's not like I can work on anything on my own, and I'll never have anything more worthwhile. So I just want to build a better foundation of trust. I'd never trusted myself before, with all my bad habits and just...well yeah.
Anyways, if I learned anything, it's that I have to motivate myself. I have to, for the sake of everything I love, because I have to see it through. Because I haven't done anything to deserve any miserable or wretched fate. Because I care too much, and have worked far too much and for far too long, to resign myself to my doubts. There is just too much at stake, and I'm nowhere near ready to curl up and die, just so I can accept the world's shit.
That's what fighting for everything good in the world really amounts to. Because I will never accept anything less out of the world, on my watch. There's too much at stake, and I cannot, and will not fail.
Taelle, I love you more than anything. I want to be with you every moment, and share everything with you. I want to give you all the things I've ever wanted to. I know this start has been a bit slow, but it's largely because we both don't feel well. I look forward to sharing our ideas and ourselves with each other. And everything, really living with each other, and never being alone again. I'll be here for you, always.
