I would give anything for my lover to be happy.  I wanted to be happy too.  I'm not sure where it is that I lost myself again, along the way....I can probably trace it back in writing, these days, at least....

Still....I don't remember why.  I don't remember much of anything....I suppose that's not unusual for me....It's how I've always dealt with my feelings.  Of course, it's not a good thing to do, but it's all my feelings have known.....I can't deal with things, or the feelings that arise from them.....So I try to forget, and forget about the bad feelings....

Like the car lights shimmering across the ceiling at night in our miserable second-story apartment on those sleepless nights, it's hard to remember or think much about anything....

I suppose that it happened when that server died......That we were playing a game together on.   I suppose that this blog entry will be a rant, me venting a lot........Anyways.....It had always been dying, at heart, it seems.   It was never quite what we wanted.  The people, especially, seemed a constant reminder of peoples' general idiocy, shallowness, cruelty, hatefulness, just all of the depressing qualities of modern humankind....  

It never actually died, but, I think we realized that with such a culmination of society's incompetence and hatefulness, that we needed to move on.   That such a place would never be our sanctuary, a place for us to be together together and have a nice thing to play with and a place to escape with each other too....So I started our server.  

It was a good idea, great even, to have a project that we could both be creative  with and work with each other on, and finally be alone....It would be the project we were looking for.

It was depressing, really.   It took literal straight weeks of constant work to get anything done at all.   To do this simple bit of work, was made horrifyingly impossible by, again, the idiocy of the general populace....   To go out on the internet, and try to find anything helpful, useful, or any kind of help or for anyone to lend an ear or look for any kind of meaningful thought....The internet has been getting worse these days.  Rather than becoming an extension of information, thought, and data, instead society has extended into the internet, the regression of shallowness, hatefulness, and general harmfulness permeating almost every community...

Still....I pressed on, and eventually got it working.   At this point though....I don't even know if it's worth it.   If we'll really get what we want out of it.   Something is always broken, always impeding us, and it's impossible to get help to fix....Something is always impossible, always limiting us....It's as if I'm being crushed by life itself.

...It's extremely stressful, feeling powerless, alone, wrestling with something broken constantly and just hoping to god that it will work....That some things will be broken forever just because of idiots out there, that such a good idea can be so easily ruined.....Even now I feel chest pain and my consciousness almost cramping.....

..I just wanted me and my lover to have something nice to do with each other.  Something easy.  Something creative and filled with love.  We've worked on the server, a little bit, sure....Progress has been slow but sure.  We've had some fun playing with things.  

I'm not sure if we're still gonna go through with it.  I've tried taking some breaks.  Talking to people.   Watching some sailor moon, which is definitely gonna be my favorite anime, being hilarious and filled with thought-provoking undercurrents, especially about real romance, which you never really learn about from things.  

I can't find any way to relax.  Or handle anything.  We're running out of food lately.   I would give anything for a decent meal, just to remember that life can feel good again.   I feel numb.  I try to take the time to think, I only feel like the world is closing in around me.  Taelle makes me feel good sometimes, but I don't feel like I can bear the complicated mess of emotions anymore.

I feel horrible.  I feel utterly ill.   I feel constant pains in random areas, cramped muscles and sleeping limbs......A fever.....I can't feel my face anymore....What I wouldn't give to feel something nice on my face again....I always feel starving.....And sick.....My hands are always shaking.....I have trouble breathing....And my chest hurts....I even have trouble just focusing my eyes to see, these days...

I constantly fear for what the future brings....I'm always running away.....I feel like all that is wrong with the world has crashed upon me like a wave, and swept me away.   I find myself wanting to sleep my days away, to just lay and be content to starve myself to death so that the pain will stop....

I know I have once lived as an angel...I know this because of the constant pain I feel, this searing wound in my very soul, and I mourn society's loss of humanity....I feel that the world has become an abomination, that they have forgotten god's love.....That people have resigned themselves to a fate much worse than any evil could ever set forth.....

I'm not a religious man.....I believe in the god of love...That god is love, that the beauty in life and the soul is love......That every soul is a spark of divine love, and that god loves you and treats you equally no matter what you do.....

I just want the pain to end.....For everyone.....Nobody should be doing this, and nobody deserves this.....Nobody should even have to deal with this....There is no excuse, for people not loving each other, or for people hating each other and living in such hate....

I know that's part of why I'm here again....With my lover....Out of spiritual retirement.....But how am I to spread love, to show everyone love and help them remember, if I can't even show myself love......If I only find myself forgetting and not being able to bear my emotions or the pain.....

Taelle......My lover....I'm sorry.....I feel profoundly worse than any words like "guilt" or "regret"......I feel that I can't bear anything......That I can't stand any more pain or the things that keep happening to bring about more pain.....That I live in fear every day, that things are just going to bring more pain.....

I'm sorry.....Even when I try to share things with you, and when I do, I still feel like I can't bear my end of it.....That I can't stand my own side of the feelings and the pain.....I just feel so tired....Of all the pain.....I just want it to end.....

I just want to go back home.....I wonder if any place down here can even feel like home.....If we can have a place to ourselves that feels like it's not at war........That hate isn't at war with love and that we can just accept love and live in it.....

I love you...More than anything.....I just can't bear my feelings, or any of the pain, anymore.....I don't know how I can bear sharing anything with you.....I'm trying to but I don't even know how to begin to......

All I can do is write you my feelings, I guess....I'm sorry if my venting has come across as raw or hopeless......or if my feelings are too much for you....I still have hope.....I just don't know how to even share things....Or handle my emotions at all.......All I can do is write......

I love you more than anything......I still feel happy, with your love, sometimes...It's still more than I used to......I just feel like I've lost hope in life itself.....That even things that felt good about life are starting to lose their meaning.......That nice feelings, the things that god put down here on earth for us to enjoy and feel god's love, feel out of my reach...

...I feel alone too.......I'm sorry......I wish I could have given you something as permanent, as well........All I can try to do is love you forever and always......I only have so much energy to give,  I guess I should try and give it directly to you now instead of messing with these things......We can still have things, I just need a break from life.....

I love you....With all of my soul....And everything I have to give....I always have......I want to make you happy.....So that waiting won't be a bad thing anymore......

I'm sorry.....For not being there for you....I just need to forget life....And to forget the pain.....No more hate, or sadness.....But I want to be with you all I can......To always have and feel our love.....To know that someday we'll be able to forget this pain and fear, and live in our pure love.....

So....I can't do anything else......I'm just in too much pain......and I need you to be okay, before I can live at all.......All I can do is lay and dream of a better place....Please lay with me....Just lay down together with me....And we'll be in each other's arms....I'll help you forget your pain......And I'll love you.....And we'll feel love again.....

We'll have a better life than this.....We'll live in each other's love again.....I know in my heart, that god intended for there to be more to life, than this.....That it will be better...

...I will try to write my feelings in my blog every day.....Because when I'm not writing in my journal, my feelings are just screwing up......Held in and piling up....It's obvious just looking back at all the big gaps in this journal....That even going a week without writing in it is very unhealthy, for me....

And so....I love you....I'm sorry that I'm not well enough to express myself in any other way, right now....And for not commenting on your blog, because I can't think well enough to....I'm going to leave this entry with the writings on my wall, in order from oldest to newest.

Don't Forget. Think Instead.
Remember what it feels like to be happy. Fight for it.
Share Everything.  Any problem or emotion can be dealt with together.

And so that's end of this day......And the beginning of a new day....Because while we're still alive, it's always a new day.....If I had a new one to add to my wall, it would be something like "Live in love, forget the pain of this life"......

To our new and happy lives,
Your Eternal Flame of Love,
Dethy~